Why?!?

I’ve always been scared

that i wouldn’t be able to have kids, 

only to have those fears validated, 

when my first pregnancy self terminated,

Decided to try and try again, 

but at  what cost? 

How many times can someone

go through that kind of loss? 

Started thinking of the future, 

and picking out names, 

that small glimmer of hope,

only to have my body choke

“It wasn’t you’re fault” and

“There’s nothing you could do”

 are the things that are said to you,

 but no amount of platitudes takes away the pain.

You hope that in time, 

your body and your mind

will heal and let you move on.

 But how when your precious child is gone?

You fight with yourself, 

the sadness sinks in, 

you tell yourself it won’t happen again, 

but you don’t really know.

You scream at God “why”,

“why did my baby have to die”.

 Heart fills with hate,  it saturates,

 making you want to give up.

What happened’s not fair, 

this love i had to share

now ruined and tainted,

it’s wasted. 

Try to think positive, 

try to find peace, 

try to make the continuous sobbing cease, 

but it’s hard

It’s hard to find that when the Man above, 

ripped away your precious baby,

 the one you so loved,

you had no chance to hold them in your arms, unable to protect them from harm.

Try to convince yourself that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be,

 hard as you might

you don’t really see, –

don’t understand why.

All you want to do is cry.

No I won’t forget you

even though your life was brief

No amount of time will heal this pain I feel

this grief

Days have turned into months

and months will turn to years

and everyday that passes

I’ll  wish  that you were here

Dedicated to my little Angel in heaven

3/25/17